Inspiration and Insecurity

The meeting today was great. This guy very much knew what he was talking about. Lots of great information which I will write about as it becomes relevant. He is reviewing the project and my limitations now to see where he feels he can fit in. I liked that he understood where I am at and respected it.

That was the inspiration.

The insecurity is just those constant second guessings. "Is this really the movie I should be doing? Is it the right time? Will it work? What will happen if it doesn't work? Shouldn't I really be following my heart and making something strange? Wouldn't I really be better at something with a lot more youth fashion in it - something a little more designed, a little more artsy surreal? What if I don't understand my audience? What if..."

What if is probably a natural question for people who tell stories. It is obviously something we think about a lot. It may, however, account for the neurosis of most filmmakers and artists. Being so close to the "what if" and so responsive to it can be as destructive as it can be constructive.

One thing actors must learn is how to stay in the moment - not consider everything - stop thinking about the lights and crew or audience or anything other than the scene or what the character would be distracted by. People could do the same, but consider their entire life the stage. Staying present in the moment.

All those good thoughts spoken. I still am second guessing myself a lot. It's a lot of money - I don't think it's unnatural to be afraid of losing it. I think this is an advantage of youth. When I was just out of college, I hadn't quite yet had the really lousy experiences which earn a good deal of second guessing. Until you've been really incredibly slammed a few times by bad choices - you don't quite have the degree of insecurity that you gain later on. Some caution is maturity. Too much is perhaps heading back in the other direction. Awareness and caution are decent things - but not when they freeze you from taking action.

There is power just in the making of a decision regardless of the end result.